Burn out.

Thursday is usually the day where I feel burnt out- I wake up when my alarm strikes 5, I get up, I pee, I got back to bed.... I hate [HATE] to admit, today was no different.  I had intentions of running... but I didn't.  I had intentions of running at lunch... but I didn't.

I am ok with it.

I need to listen to my body, and my body says- "nah girl, its cool, rest'

I was looking at pictures last night of 'skinny Lori'.  Running Lori.  Lori pre-crossfit.  DAMN GIRL- she looked good!  I am 20 pounds heavier now- but a LOT stronger.  I would like to hit a happy medium.  I don't want to lose strength, because as far as I am concerned, strength = cool party tricks.  BUT, I would really like to not wear a size 12.... which is what I am wearing right now.

Big differences between then and now:
-A ate a LOT better
-I was running [a LOT]

wow... that's it? two things.... that I am in control of?  well shit! LET'S DO THIS!  I am calling bod pod to get a baseline. and I will ask to get re-measured when I get back from my secret location. 4 months- 4 months to reach the goal of losing 10 pounds, and 4 months to build up to something AWESOME.

ring ring - hello BOD POD!

Well it is official.

but it is a secret. don't tell anyone!

Runners World Half was a blast- I did the 5 and Dime (5k followed by a 10k).  I ran most of it- which was pretty awesome considering I haven't run in about a month.  But that is all going to change. It has to.

This weird thing happens when i run by myself- weird good- not weird bad.  I feel at peace.  Even when i struggle.  Even when i want to stop and walk.  Even when i do stop and walk.  At the end of the day- it is for me.  Even if i don't meet a goal distance, or a goal time, or look cute doing it, I am beating the pants off everyone that doesn't try.

I tried. and i am going to continue to try. for me.

I like getting lost in running. not while running. in running.  some people when they run, they run to deal with their problems- to think them through.  when i run i count.  sometimes by 3 or 5, sometimes just prime numbers (a little OCD much??).  I guess you could say i run from my problems.  but it works for me.

for me.

i had dinner with a friend and conversations all revolved around the need to keep something in your life that you do for you. and only you. to keep your mind. your body. and your soul. healthy.  some people may call it soul searching.  I'm not lost. this is a journey.  i have been a lot of places. but i have never been lost. i have been evolving.

for me. into me. for me. (and maybe Lucy cause she is so frickin' cute).

October.

So, i sent in a request to my gym to do barbells for boobs- hopefully it goes somewhere quick as October is breast cancer awareness month.   i want to do barbells for boobs to remind girls, and myself that everyone(guys are at risk too!!) is at risk for breast cancer.  if there are things you can do to keep your body strong and healthy you should do them.  usually i am not huge into the pink ribbon thing- not because i don't care, not because i don't think it is a great cause, i just [personally] think that sometimes, people are more info the pink swag than what is it all about.

cancer.

cancer sucks.

just a few years ago, i was oblivious to the effects of cancer.  the side effects.  the ones in your body.  the ones outside of your body.  the social side effects.  i didn't really know anyone that had cancer, and anyone i knew that was effected by cancer (family/ friend), didn't really talk about it.  I was in college then.  college is a time in your life where you should feel invisible, and take 4 years for yourself to have fun, be selfish and enjoy life, because one morning you will wake up with that roughly 100grand piece of paper in your hands and immediately there is expectations, and debt and and the need to 'grow up'.

while in college, i got to meet this AMAZING girl named Kim Sibbach that was forced to grow up so much sooner than she should have had to, and in such a difficult way.  Kim was diagnosed with breast cancer. cancer. at 23. cancer.

Kim passed away about 2 and a half years ago. from cancer. at 26.

Kim had a spirit about her that is indescribable in the absolute best possible way. i am so jealous of the people that were closer with her.  she is genuinely the type of person you want to surround yourself by. she was funny, and smart, and pretty, and real. going back and reading bits and pieces of Kim's blog leaves me with mixed feelings.  i am sad because i miss her, and wish that i could have spent more time with her.  i am able to smile because i can hear her voice reading the posts in my head.  i can shake my head remembering the last conversation i had with her- word for word- facial expressions- everything- like it was yesterday.

just a few years out of college i sit here and face in palms shake my head counting how many people i know that have cancer. had cancer. know and love someone with cancer. have lost someone they love to cancer.

cancer sucks.

Kim had a way about her though.  I think sometimes she did it for the people around her, but i really hope she did it for herself: staying upbeat. and staying herself.  she found ways to take one of the worst diagnoses ever- and keep her life moving.  she kept working.  she finished school.  she kept blogging.  she kept her life going as much as possible while living a separate life as 'a sick person.'  i really hope she looks down from where ever it is that she is, with a drink in a koozie, in her sundress and realizes how many people she touched.

i don't believe in luck. but i was so lucky to know her.